“YOU KNOW WHAT, ‘enta crazypants’ is JUST FUCKING GOING TO HAVE TO BE GOOD ENOUGH. So #done. #Bye.”

Let’s see if you can make any sense of these questions and statements that are the most confusing and also just sound really oddly specific the first time you hear them: Discussing an upcoming trip: هتقعدي فين في الغردقة؟ – Where will you sit in Hurghada? In a heated discussion with my landlord about an electrical problem that causes lightbulbs to burn out twice a week: المفروض يعقدوا اكتر من تلات ايام! – They should sit more than three days! ...

أي كلام “ay kalam“ Please note that TeamMaha is committed to bringing you insults on the regular because they never teach you how to say something or someone is absolute shit in school, DO THEY? Anyways: this phrase has nothing to do with speech, and everything to do with quality. For example: شغل اي كلام (sho3’l ay kalam) means ‘a crappy job’ (as in someone did a crappy job of something), بيقول اي كلام means something to the effect of ‘he’s just saying whatever’ and رحلة اي كلام means ‘a lousy/low-quality trip’ (literally ‘an any speech trip’ which just makes no goddamn sense at all). ...

The other day I stumbled upon a commercial so masterfully stuffed with euphemisms that I had to write about it on the internet. It’s about a guy named بدري (“Early”) who has an issue that affects both him and his ladyfriend. I’ve written out a transcription & translation of the commercial and discussed a few useful words in Egyptian Arabic at the end of the post so you all can have a productive laugh. Also, anyone with insight as to why a man appears on the back of the motorcycle in a fuzzy animal costume around 0:15 gets five gold stars. ...

When I first moved to Egypt I used to be able to tell whether I was having a good Arabic day or not judging by the nationality people guessed I was: Syrian/Lebanese meant I had thrown a Shami word or two into the conversation, but was generally doing okay; Moroccan meant that my speech was mostly unintelligible but still coding as Arabic; and American meant that I should probably take a nap before trying to use real words again. The spectrum of compliments I’ve received on my Arabic ability over the years has also been quite broad, ranging from delight to suspicion to spontaneous marriage proposals. ...

الحكومة حكمت “el7akoma 7akmet“ Meaning something like, “My wife said no / used her veto power.” Despite patriarchy’s death-grip on global societies, there still exists an understanding across cultures that if your wife’s final decision on an issue is a resounding ABSOLUTELY NOT…you are done, 5alas, repent and seek mercy immediately. It is in this glorious moment that the woman puts on the metaphorical pants while the man slowly backs away, shivering. ...

Following up on our earlier explanation of a bunch of MSA words that sound ridiculous when used in real life, here are a few more: 1. بدون Albeit a nice sounding word, no one says this in real life. In some dialects of Shami you might order your coffee من دون سكر (without sugar) but in Egypt من غير is most common. ...

A few more dubious subtitling choices that were recently brought to my attention: Alternative translation for “girlfriend” = صديقة حميمة (‘Intimate friend’) “Stripper” = راقصة (‘dancer’ with no further elaboration) “Hey, motherfucker” = يا سافل (‘Varmint’ or ‘ratfish’ according to the omnipotent Google) “Fuck no!” = كلا يا سيدي (No, sir!) All this aside, I will say that I once heard the English word (just the word!) ‘kiss’ censored out of some Bruno Mars song playing at City Mall in Jordan, so it could be much worse. Five gold stars for effort, subtitlers, wherever you may be. ...

Watching TV in Arabic is a fantastic way to get more listening practice and generally improve your vocabulary and comprehension, and I highly suggest all Arabic learners do this during their down time whenever possible. But when you get sick of that, or when there’s nothing to watch except Saudi men practicing falconry and Amr Adeeb flailing his arms about / having his weekly heart attack on air, you’ll inevitably find yourself flipping over to an English language movie. And I’m here to tell you how to make this experience quadruple the fun: pay attention to the subtitles. ...

هات بق “hat bo2” (as said to a man. To a woman: haty) This post does not, as you might have expected, belong under the inappropriate tag. The phrase actually means a very innocent, “I want a bite.” [For all my MSA-amiya transitioners out there, remember that ق often changes to hamza in amiya, hence no qaf sound in the transliteration.)